When a marriage ends the most emotional and painful issue is “custody of a child.” As a family lawyer, I am about to give you a summary of what’s involved in resolving child custody.  The formal term for the process is “allocating parental rights and responsibilities.”

Remember this above all else: under Ohio law, the ultimate issue is which parenting arrangement is in the best interest of your children. The next most important thing to remember is that custody battles are long, ugly, and expensive. And they often don’t end, because the court has jurisdiction to modify a custody decision until each of your children is 18 and a high school graduate.

I consider it a fundamental part of my representation to help my clients get a result that balances their wishes and their kids’ best interest. As a direct result of my experience as a trial lawyer, father, foster parent, Big Brother, and Domestic Relations Court Referee, I emphasize that parents and children are best served if each parent is reliably and cooperatively involved in the daily responsibilities of raising children.

There are two methods to resolve how parental rights and responsibilities are divided between parents. One is for both parents to have “shared parenting,” and the other is for one parent to be the “residential parent and legal custodian.”

Let me clear up a couple of misunderstandings. First, the term “custody” is actually a misnomer. We use it as shorthand for one parent being the “residential parent and legal custodian.” Second, “shared parenting” does not usually mean an equal division of parenting time and no child support.

I try to resolve parenting issues through discussion, rather than assuming a battle unless it is unavoidable. For example, I have found that listening carefully at conferences with the other parent and lawyer often allows me to propose solutions that will meet the kids’ needs, and the parents concerns. I am often able to firmly, but diplomatically, express my client’s concerns, which leads to an agreement. When that happens the kids win.

In shared parenting, the court approves a Shared Parenting Plan that sets forth a schedule of when the children are with each parent, who pays child support to whom, who provides health insurance, how uninsured healthcare expenses are covered, where the kids go to school, in what religion they’re raised, and other issues. The Shared Parenting Plan may reflect the proposal of either parent, or it may reflect the joint wishes of the parents. Shared Parenting will call for parents to communicate and cooperate with one another. Generally shared parenting results in an arrangement when the kids spend most nights with one parent, and the other parent pays child support. This is true because of the practical difficulties encountered when the children go back and forth between homes.

When discussions fail, a trial will ultimately take place. The trial will be preceded by months of putting together the evidence I will use for my client. In advance of the trial a custody investigation will be done by the court’s staff or an outside expert. It is likely that psychological evaluations of parents and children will be done. Frequently, a guardian ad litem will be appointed for the children. A “GAL” is a lawyer whose function is to protect the children’s best interests, and so he or she also conducts interviews with parents, children, and possibly witnesses; then the GAL presents his or her recommendations to the court.The financial cost of the entire process can be extremely high. There is no substitute for highly experienced counsel at such times. You need someone who has huge experience in courtroom battles, knows how to present a case, and understands the psychological evidence. That is what my clients get.

There is no jury trial in a divorce. A judge, or magistrate, will hear the evidence at the custody trial and then make a decision on which parent will be named the “residential parent and legal custodian,” and when the other parent will have parenting time (which is what we used to call “visitation”). Trials typically last for several days. By their nature they are adversarial—meaning almost no holds are barred. Also by their nature, they open old wounds and cause new ones. Again, because of my experience I know what to anticipate from the other side, and I do everything I can to get my clients and my witnesses prepared for what will be an unpleasant experience.

Trials end but parenting issues don’t. Time passes. Circumstances change. Children have a funny habit of wanting to express their own wishes and concerns about where they want to live. Until each of the children reaches 18 and is a high school graduate, the court has the jurisdiction to re-allocate parenting time and responsibilities, and child support. The absolute best solution when parents are going through divorce is to provide a framework within which future issues can be addressed without the need to get back into a confrontation.